• BMW:*cuts me off*
• BMW:*well, almost cuts me off*
• Me:Get your life together, BMW.
• Me:*totally not overreacting*

It Itchessss!

Over the weekend before last I got in, what I was told was, a serious car crash. I'm comparatively fine, but oh my god my wrist itches! I sprained my wrist and the doctor gave me a fun wrist wrap to wear. He mentioned that it was mostly cosmetic so, the genius I am, I took it off after three days and somehow made my wrist worse that night. I've worn the wrap since, but seriously it itches so bad. So now, on top of a pained wrist, I have a wrap that is oddly warm and itches. It's not fun.

The worst part isn't even the pain it's the annoyance that I need Bradley's help all the time. Carrying heavy things, opening tight sodas, opening doors if I'm using my right arm to hold something. A couple of weeks ago he called me fragile, his theory being that I've hurt myself so much for that reason. So, in protest, I've been 'making' him do all of the manual labor. It's seriously frustrating that now he's right. Ugh.

Hopefully this obnoxious pain will go away soon, but it's been a day over a week now and I think it's getting worse*.

*I'm sure I'm exaggerating on that.

Headache

Shit guys I’ve got a headache and it sucks so bad. It’s not a migraine, but it feels like a pre-migraine, or the ‘aftershock’ migraines (as my old doctor called them) that you get after a migraine. It’s putting me in a bad mood, though I was in the same mood yesterday and I didn’t have a baby-migraine then… I don’t know, I’m not in a good mood and my head hurts. That’s the important part. 

I’ve been trying to research up for some writing I’m doing, specifically on writing mentally ill characters. But Alex, you have a mental illness. Ah, but I don’t have all of the mental illnesses and regardless my diagnosis is so old I wouldn’t want to write an OCD character from my perspective. True, I was given medication for anxiety a while back (~1 and a half years ago?) but to me that feels more like a symptom. (Not to say that anxiety alone isn’t a mental illness, or to diminish those who suffer from it.) Regardless, writing a character with mental illness is something I haven’t done before. As someone who is perpetually (to use a phrase I heard from a smart woman and LOVE) ‘chasing normal’ I’ve always written normal characters. Sure, I’ve shit-written (that writing you do when you don’t give a fuck about quality and look back and burn it later, which is difficult to do when you type it by you try anyway) a couple, probably. Or at least I vaguely remember doing so, but the point remains. This is new territory for me, and I want to do it right. 

In my research I’ve decided something though, not now. Not this story. Forcing it won’t be good, and the way I’ve always written doesn’t allow for “Well I want the character to be this” 8 chapters in. If I’m going to write anything, it is going to be PTSD. Which I know nothing about. That’s fine, I just need to do my research but the point remains that it simply may not fit with this story. Working through trauma and changing as a person, these things are not unique to those with mental illnesses. 

Making mistakes? Questioning who you are and who you’re going to be? Carving out a new definition and goal in life? None of these are things that are special to those with mental illness. 

I think, growing up with a diagnosis at such a young age and being in a family that has and will attempt, at least, to be open and honest and healthy about mental illnesses  has put these ‘diagnosis goggles’ on me. Like I think that personal problems are significant only to those who have a diagnosis. That’s not true though, and realizing that without having a blatant denial for what is clearly a problem is a balance that I’m having a lot of trouble with right now. The fact that I’ve already been diagnosed, it’s already on my medical record, from such a young age. The fact that this is fact, that even I, even in the heights of my self-delusion, will not try and claim I wasn’t mentally ill at that point and for years on makes it easy at least to seek help. What can happen? Gonna slap another stamp on my record barring me from the military, Mars mission, and who knows what other professions and life choices? Well jokes on you because I freaked my mom out so much when I was 10 that they’ve already done that. 

Still, a part of me, a big part of me, wants to think, does think, that I’mfine. I’m just overreacting because of problems in my past. All of this stuff is normal. That struggle to wake up to even be conscious that I get is totally normal.I’m just too busy with my diagnosis goggles and I need to realize that what I’m going through is not special, it’s puberty. 

Even as I write this though, I know that’s shit. 

Still, while it isn’t really gonna work in my existing story, I do want to write a story about someone with a mental illness. The great thing about basically being diagnosed is I feel no need to pidgin hole into a pre-chosen diagnosis. Fuck, I could just write about my feelings, but that would go against my aforementioned coping mechanism of denial. So, like a kid in a writing shop, I can pick anything. 

Though, maybe I won’t. I can’t really think of a plot right now. Regardless, I already have two major and intended to be good quality stories right now and I’m kind of terrible at updating as it is. We’ll see.

Unrelated, we’re having Bradley’s family over tonight. I will feed a total of 9 people in a home that owns 10 forks, and also there will be a baby. (It stands to note that one of the nine people is 2 years old, still, his family is filled with big eaters as opposed to my mother who I swear to god uses sunlight or something.) I’m super stressed about that, but we’re doing tacos and how can we fuck that up, right? I even remembered that his brother-in-law is diabetic, and when/if his sister gets back with me I’ll pick him up a special pint of diabetic-ice cream for the post-tacos root beer floats. It should go well, but they don’t do dogs like us and I’m kinda worried they’ll ask/tell us to put Batman up and I don’t want to argue but I’m also not gonna put him up….

We’ll see, his mom is super cool, I like his uncle a lot, and things are moving a little past civil with his sister so if I manage to not piss them off 2016 will be a good year. Plus his new nephew, Gavin, looks just like his brother in law so he looks just like Bradley and he is ADORABLE. Oh my god. Just, the most adorable little boy. Seriously, Bradley’s niece and nephew are the cutest duo I’ve seen. 

Well hey, ending on a happy note. I’m going to try to post more, write things out, figure things out express myself, but we’ll see how that goes. 

Have a fantastic day everyone!

This post is originally from my Tumblr, FRIDAY, 29 JANUARY 2016.

Crash in Colorado

As seen in my post about health insurance (though post is a generous term, it is more of a rant) I got in a car crash over the weekend. While the crash wasn't all that bad, and honestly I do get into crashes more than the average person, for some reason this crash is stuck in my mind. Maybe it's because I've never been in a crash where people got hurt. I've never needed to talk to an EMT or fill out paperwork for car insurance benefits for the doctor. I've never been across the country from my fiance when my life was saved but for the grace of air bags. This was real, this wasn't minor, and it had real results and I'm feeling really shaken by it.

I was visiting my parents in Denver (well, actually Englewood) Colorado for fathers day. I made the plans for this trip in January, an impressive feat when you know my inability to keep secrets. Especially good news secrets, secrets I am excited about. I, with the help of my coordinating mother, did it though. I arrived at the airport and got an uber with a kind father, got out at the bar my parents were at, and after accepting my mother's wild hug walked inside to my more than surprised father. It was amazing, and I'm so happy I did it.

On my second day there, this past Saturday, we started off the day by going to Luv Bridal. I highly recommend, to anyone in the Englewood area, that you check it out if you're looking for a wedding dress. They're not huge like the shops you see in Say Yes to the Dress, but they have a good selection and they were very kind. I found my dress, to my surprise, and from there walked around their neighborhood and investigated the many stores. Antique stores with the coolest furniture, an 80's store decked out with toys and memorabilia, and Fashion Nation, a store with the largest selection of Doc Martins I have ever seen. I very nearly bought a pair of soft leather purple ones, but saving for a wedding means I cannot drop $130 at the drop of a hat. That night we went to a Mexican restaurant and though I was dying to talk to him, my father spent his night watching me struggle to stay awake.

On my third day there, fathers day, we went out to the zoo. I'd gotten burned pretty bad though, and after standing in the sun for barely a minute my arms and legs began to hurt. Instead of the zoo we opted for the climate controlled museum next door. It was fun, Google had a robot that danced and, of course, there were dinosaurs. We did a fun exhibit where you learn about your body (heart rate, how you walk, one poorly executed computer that showed you how you'd look at 70) and walked through a cave to see a variety of gems and minerals. We then left and made out way to dinner before dropping me off at the airport. Of course I never made it to the airport, we crashed and I missed my flight.


I don't actually remember being hit, it was hours after the fact that I was told that I had been hit, my door had been smashed. I'm still not really sure what damaged the car- if we were hit on the drivers side, which we were, then why is the passenger's side front all smashed up? My parents probably know, but for now, I'm fine not knowing. It's been a couple of days and I'm already feeling better, my head is mostly fine (unless I have the brilliant idea to poke it) and the only pain that remains is the occasional reminder of a sprained shoulder or wrist.

Here is what has changed, for me, because of this crash. I'm well aware that without the curtain airbags and the seat belt I would be in a dire position. I'd be in ICU in Denver now, my fiance would be awkwardly waiting for me to heal beside my parents, also in the hospital. So, despite the fact that I've always worn my seat belt, I'm now (more than ever) concerned with the safety of my car. The next time I buy a car it will have curtain airbags, and though I've never met a reader, I hope anyone reading this does the same.

That's it, that's all that's changed, I'm fine, my parents are fine, and I actually kind of like my new frames for my glasses. I'm getting a better grip on it, I'm feeling less melodramatic, and in a week I'm sure this will just be a not-so-funny story. For those of you who are looking for something funny in this post, here is a not-so-flattering but exceptionally amusing picture of me my mother took while I was avoiding having to hold the ice pack on my head post-crash.

We're Moving- Sorta

Hello all! I'm, of course, going to keep posting here but for my home improvement/cooking posts I'm going to post to hellobeautifulhome.com . (Oh yeah, I've got my own URL now.)

Home Sweet Home

At my house we are constantly doing projects, we do about one a month and I’m having a lot of fun with it. Out of all of the things we’ve done so far, much of it is small. However, our kitchen has undergone a lot of work. 

Our first project ever we decided to tackle the kitchen cabinets. Why we picked such a huge project to start with I have no idea but we got it all done, and I think our kitchen looks great. The goal of the project was to strip and repaint all of the cabinetry, it had been painted over many many times and was getting worse for wear. Inspired by Monica Geller’s kitchen I decided, and Bradley-Boo agreed because it meant less work for him, to not put back up the cabinet doors on the upper cabinetry. I am happy I did that every day because it is amazing! All of our dishware is easy to get to and it looks nice. My only complaint is that all of our food is on display, but at the moment there’s not really a solution to that. A tip for anyone looking to do this? It’s going to take time and money, but do it right. I interact with my kitchen cabinetry every day, it would be a huge bummer if we’d done a bad job at it. 

We decided to repaint it white after stripping it, but we recently decided that we think it would look better just the wood. The whole house has a wood trim, and if we got the stain right it would match. However, that is a project for another time. Definitely not until after our wedding. In the meantime, our kitchen looks clean and it’s a conversation starter for anyone who walks in the door because they see the kitchen cabinetry.

As a little mini project of my own about three nights ago I put up nails for measuring cups. I felt a little genius-y and used masking tape on the counter to measure out where the nails should be. Then I put that tape on the wall, hammered the nails in, ripped off the tape, and viola! hanging measuring cups. 

Last month we worked on repainting most of the house. We did the kitchen, living room, and main hallway. The main reason we chose to do this was because the kitchen had a line of tile at about hip height across all of it. I remember when I first saw the house- it was an eyesore and has bugged me since. 

However much it bugged me, it was fairly annoying to get off. After popping off the tile we had to use putty to make the wall flat. The putty dried, we sanded it, and it wasn’t until after the first coat of paint that we realized the wall wasn’t flat. All in all it was a mess, but it was completely worth it. 

We took about 45 minutes of time in the Home Depot to decide on paint color. I had been thinking of blue, but BB didn’t want to do a blue because my little sister (who had lived with us at the time) had just started to paint the hallway to the basement blue and he didn’t want a blue house. We decided on a bright orange for the kitchen, and a lighter and a darker orange-beige for the accent walls and living room/hallway. It worked out wonderfully, the house is very bright and open With the exception of the fireplace, I feel back at home in Florida. 

Coming soon in Alex’s home makeover… This month’s project is more maintenance than anything else, we’re cleaning up the fireplace. However, we’re also working on rearranging the furniture in the living room and changing our office into a guest bedroom. In the long term, we need to finish the stairwell and one basement room. I’m hoping to also get the room next to the basement room finished, but it is completely open to the garage so we will see. 

Why the sudden need for all of these guest bedrooms?

BB and I are getting married in April, or May depending on our venue’s availability when we finally book, and all of my family is out of state (except my little sister, she’s only 2 hours away). When my family visits they traditionally stay with me, and since I’m living in the house my parents own they will obviously stay with us as well. I want to have plenty of accommodations because while us youngins can sleep on an air mattress in the living room the real adults can’t do that. Besides, we have to do these projects anyway, and it makes our home nicer!

XO Lovelies! 

Originally posted on tumblr.

Why I am upset with healthcare in the USA

So for father’s day I surprised my father with a weekend visit. I bought the tickets months ago and have been working with my mom to keep it a secret. It worked! It was wonderful, and I’ve had a fantastic weekend. We found my wedding dress Saturday morning, walked around their neighborhood the rest of the day, and Sunday we went to the Denver Museum of Nature & Science. I had a great time, their exhibit on dinosaurs was amazing and they had a dancing robot. On the way back from this, so we could stop for food and drop me off for my flight back home, we were t boned and the car was totaled.

I remember that we had just gotten on a 4 lane one-way road and I remember seeing a white car and thinking it was going to hit us. Next thing I remember is seconds later, my mom telling my dad to hit the breaks before he hit what at the time I thought was a building but was only a stone sign. Then the car was stopped and my mom told me to stay still, but the air bags had deployed and the smoke from them was making it hard to breath. I was no hero, I freaked out. I focused first on undoing my seat belt and then I told my mom I had to get out because I couldn’t breath. I struggled to find the door handle under the air bags, it was my mom who got it open and helped me out.

Once I got out of the car I moved my hand to my head and paced slightly. My mother told me to sit down, and some bossy man wearing a floral beach shirt yelled at me to sit down. Eventually I did so, and some onlookers and my parents asked me how I was. I obviously wasn’t good, I was sitting in the grass on the side of the road with a huge lump on my head and an aching body. Still, with all of this, once the police started questioning me I realized a fact worse than my still unknown injuries: I don’t have health insurance.

I get health insurance through work, like most working adults and I just changed jobs, moving up to a better job after they reached out to me. It was supposed to be this wonderful thing, but now I was on the side of the road waiting for my 90 days to come up for my benefits to kick in.

I had just been hit by a car and my biggest concern was how I would pay to heal myself.

In the end, we were all fine. I’m glad to say that my injuries appear to be the worst. My mother was jerked around, and my father and I were hit by the incoming car. My dad’s neck is all gross and bruised, it bled a little at the time, and his back and neck are stiff and painful. I immediately noticed my wrist pain and head pain, EMTs on the scene called it a hemotoma. I was the only one who went to the doctor after the wreck and they told me I had a bruised hip, a sprained wrist and shoulder and neck, and that not only had I been knocked out for a couple of seconds but I did have a concussion. Apparently, there is a 1/1000 chance that I have internal bleeding, but it is unlikely and I will go back on Thursday if the pain in my head persists.

When I was sitting in the grass, my hand on my head and my heart racing, I didn’t know that car insurance covered my medical bills. I had no idea that health insurance is not used for car crash injuries. I had no idea that I would be fine and that I could focus on getting myself better and rescheduling my flight home. No part of me imagined that it would be alright, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that this time I was fine because it brought to light a perfect problem. I’ve switched jobs and advanced my career, I’m working on my degree, I’m doing all of those correct adult things and I don’t have health insurance.

Insurance being tied to employment is just stupid. However, it is an unavoidable evil for many people. Health insurance is expensive, and getting it through work is cheaper (especially so for those with families). When people get sick, their first concern shouldn’t be how they are going to pay for it.

Originally posted on my Tumblr.