Saturday, June 25, 2016

Headache

Shit guys I’ve got a headache and it sucks so bad. It’s not a migraine, but it feels like a pre-migraine, or the ‘aftershock’ migraines (as my old doctor called them) that you get after a migraine. It’s putting me in a bad mood, though I was in the same mood yesterday and I didn’t have a baby-migraine then… I don’t know, I’m not in a good mood and my head hurts. That’s the important part. 
I’ve been trying to research up for some writing I’m doing, specifically on writing mentally ill characters. But Alex, you have a mental illness. Ah, but I don’t have all of the mental illnesses and regardless my diagnosis is so old I wouldn’t want to write an OCD character from my perspective. True, I was given medication for anxiety a while back (~1 and a half years ago?) but to me that feels more like a symptom. (Not to say that anxiety alone isn’t a mental illness, or to diminish those who suffer from it.) Regardless, writing a character with mental illness is something I haven’t done before. As someone who is perpetually (to use a phrase I heard from a smart woman and LOVE) ‘chasing normal’ I’ve always written normal characters. Sure, I’ve shit-written (that writing you do when you don’t give a fuck about quality and look back and burn it later, which is difficult to do when you type it by you try anyway) a couple, probably. Or at least I vaguely remember doing so, but the point remains. This is new territory for me, and I want to do it right. 
In my research I’ve decided something though, not now. Not this story. Forcing it won’t be good, and the way I’ve always written doesn’t allow for “Well I want the character to be this” 8 chapters in. If I’m going to write anything, it is going to be PTSD. Which I know nothing about. That’s fine, I just need to do my research but the point remains that it simply may not fit with this story. Working through trauma and changing as a person, these things are not unique to those with mental illnesses. 

Making mistakes? Questioning who you are and who you’re going to be? Carving out a new definition and goal in life? None of these are things that are special to those with mental illness. 

I think, growing up with a diagnosis at such a young age and being in a family that has and will attempt, at least, to be open and honest and healthy about mental illnesses  has put these ‘diagnosis goggles’ on me. Like I think that personal problems are significant only to those who have a diagnosis. That’s not true though, and realizing that without having a blatant denial for what is clearly a problem is a balance that I’m having a lot of trouble with right now. The fact that I’ve already been diagnosed, it’s already on my medical record, from such a young age. The fact that this is fact, that even I, even in the heights of my self-delusion, will not try and claim I wasn’t mentally ill at that point and for years on makes it easy at least to seek help. What can happen? Gonna slap another stamp on my record barring me from the military, Mars mission, and who knows what other professions and life choices? Well jokes on you because I freaked my mom out so much when I was 10 that they’ve already done that
Still, a part of me, a big part of me, wants to think, does think, that I’mfine. I’m just overreacting because of problems in my past. All of this stuff is normal. That struggle to wake up to even be conscious that I get is totally normal.I’m just too busy with my diagnosis goggles and I need to realize that what I’m going through is not special, it’s puberty. 

Even as I write this though, I know that’s shit. 

Still, while it isn’t really gonna work in my existing story, I do want to write a story about someone with a mental illness. The great thing about basically being diagnosed is I feel no need to pidgin hole into a pre-chosen diagnosis. Fuck, I could just write about my feelings, but that would go against my aforementioned coping mechanism of denial. So, like a kid in a writing shop, I can pick anything
Though, maybe I won’t. I can’t really think of a plot right now. Regardless, I already have two major and intended to be good quality stories right now and I’m kind of terrible at updating as it is. We’ll see.

Unrelated, we’re having Bradley’s family over tonight. I will feed a total of 9 people in a home that owns 10 forks, and also there will be a baby. (It stands to note that one of the nine people is 2 years old, still, his family is filled with big eaters as opposed to my mother who I swear to god uses sunlight or something.) I’m super stressed about that, but we’re doing tacos and how can we fuck that up, right? I even remembered that his brother-in-law is diabetic, and when/if his sister gets back with me I’ll pick him up a special pint of diabetic-ice cream for the post-tacos root beer floats. It should go well, but they don’t do dogs like us and I’m kinda worried they’ll ask/tell us to put Batman up and I don’t want to argue but I’m also not gonna put him up….
We’ll see, his mom is super cool, I like his uncle a lot, and things are moving a little past civil with his sister so if I manage to not piss them off 2016 will be a good year. Plus his new nephew, Gavin, looks just like his brother in law so he looks just like Bradley and he is ADORABLE. Oh my god. Just, the most adorable little boy. Seriously, Bradley’s niece and nephew are the cutest duo I’ve seen. 
Well hey, ending on a happy note. I’m going to try to post more, write things out, figure things out express myself, but we’ll see how that goes. 

Have a fantastic day everyone!

This post is originally from my Tumblr, FRIDAY, 29 JANUARY 2016.